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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

So I'm still an insecure student inside

From a recent journal entry:

I attend Bloomfield College and I participate in class...often. For some reason, I still have feelings of being perceived in some negative light for my level of participation in class. I can hear myself talking and asking questions and I wonder if I'm coming across as "that annoying student who won't shut up." I honestly have lots of questions. I think it comes from....ok let's be honest. I've always been overly curious and I have always been most everything I'm intrigued by. I also think that because I didn't do my best academically in the past, I attach feelings of insecurity to it. Don't get me wrong, I always participated in class in college, even in the Rutgers days... and I didn't do THAT terribly. I didn't fail out, for example. I just feel that I took a lot of the experience for granted.

I think this time, I really want to enjoy every morsel of the experience while it's happening and I'm studying what I'm genuinely interested in - music technology. And I think I realize, probably more then the younger students, that I really have to pay for this when I'm done, so I better fuckin' get the most of it considering I'm going to have to pay thousands of dollars in loans back. So I'm like fuck it. I'm going in...with all the questions... with all the talking... with all the participation....even with all the insecurities I still feel inside, I'm going in!